Childbirth during a pandemic
To say 2020-2021 has been rough is an understatement. COVID-19 put a stop to a lot of activities we humans need. Social meal times with friends and families, job loss, wedding celebrations postpones and immediate family only memorial services. I could go on and on, but you already know all these things. Being a birth professional, what I found the hardest was not being able to support parents- to- be during labour, childbirth and postpartum. Over this last year, many pregnant parents had to go it alone in the delivery room (some of my clients included) and although being there for them virtually was something I provided, not every birthing person felt like they had their best birth. I want you to know that I see you and I’m very sorry that you didn’t have the outcome you desired. As a doula I recognize that birth experiences are never truly forgotten and the importance of processing the births in safe place can help heal any trauma.
I asked Kaitlin to share her birth story here on the blog. It was filled with uncertainty and became high risk over night, but what comes through in this story is Kaitlin advocated for the right care provider for her. In the end she trusted her health care team and was confident that the birth was exactly what is was supposed to be for her and her daughter.
Without further adieu, in her own words, here’s Kaitlin’s birth story;
Bringing Ella Earthside
At 30 weeks pregnant my husband and I learned that our baby’s growth rate had slowed way down. No one could tell us why but there was some speculation that ranged from sometimes ultrasound measurements can be off to it could be a congenital abnormality though it was unlikely given we’d paid to do the extensive genetic testing earlier in my pregnancy and the results were promising.
Kaitlin and Ella
At the time we were solely in the care of our family doctor who we adore and trust with our lives. I could see her at my regular doctor’s office, she has privileges to deliver low-risk babies at the hospital closest to our home and in pandemic times when the mother-to-be is forced to go to all appointments alone, it gave my husband comfort and peace of mind that we were being cared for by someone he knew.
Still, sitting in the unknown was worrisome, nerve-wracking and at times, all-consuming. With the pandemic hitting Toronto and our first lockdown newly behind us, I was working full-time from home while also being the primary caregiver for our 2 year-old son who had been unable to return to daycare, and certainly couldn't go back even once we learned that we were high risk. Initially we had no physical support or relief from our busy work schedules, parenting our son and dealing with this unsettling news. Thankfully we eventually were able to bubble with my mother-in-law, Lorie, a former OBGYN, who helped guide us in advocating for the medical care we needed and cared for our son a few mornings a week, both of which we’ll be forever grateful.
At Lorie’s urging we requested to be referred to a high-risk OBGYN. She had done some research and told us who we should be asking for. As luck would have it, our family doctor had a good working relationship with the high-risk OBGYN Lorie recommended, so good that in my appointment where I asked her to refer me to high-risk OBGYN she texted the doctor and confirmed then and there that he would take me on as a patient.
This new doctor was quiet, calm, kind and a straight shooter. He always checked in with me after he shared test results, asked what I thought of his plans. I adored him. I know this certainly isn’t the hospital experience everyone has and I’m so thankful that it was mine.
My healthcare team now included my family doctor, my high-risk OBGYN and a specially trained team of ultrasound technicians and the number of appointments increased drastically. I was going to 2-3 ultrasounds per week, followed immediately by an appointment at the hospital with the high-risk OBGYN and also keeping regularly scheduled appointments with our family doctor. I was still working full-time, still the primary caregiver of our son and still having to go to every single appointment on my own, never knowing and always nervous about what the news might be. From the time I left the house for each appointment, my husband would be anxiously waiting by the phone for my call. He felt helpless.
The results on any given day varied greatly and the ups, downs and unknowns really wore on us both. I was constantly anxious about the health of our baby, not to mention the added pressures I was facing while the world was figuring out how to operate in a state of this global pandemic. On days where the doctor wasn’t happy with what he was seeing in my ultrasounds and NSTs, I’d leave his office, cry in my car and try to collect myself before calling home to my husband. It’s not that I’m afraid to show emotion, I feel hard, but I was trying to protect him from feeling any more helpless than he already did. I know it killed him not to be able to support me in person with hugs and hand squeezes.
At 36 weeks I went for an ultrasound and immediately afterwards I headed to the hospital to meet with my high risk OB, as I’d been doing every second or third day for weeks. The doctor wasn’t happy with what the ultrasound was showing and ordered an NST that lasted several hours. I always liked knowing that when my doctor ordered an NST the nurses knew that it would last at least 3 times longer than the ones other doctors ordered. He was very thorough which put me more at ease. The NST that day showed our baby’s heart rate dipping infrequently but consistently which was a new development.
Until then the plan had been to get me as close to 39 weeks as possible and eventually induce labour but that all changed quickly and I was told to call my husband to come meet us at the hospital as I would undergo a c-section to have our baby prematurely as soon as an OR opened up.
The doctors had lots of questions and information for me about c-sections. Until that moment I’d kind of put that possibility to the back of my mind. It wasn’t that I was against c-sections, I’d just spent my time preparing for a vaginal birth like I’d had with our son. My attitude about delivery had always been whatever was safest and lowest risk. I was never tied to any one particular way, I never imagined birth unfolding in a particular way. In my mind there’s no easy way to bring a child earthside.
Between hectic work schedules, caring for our toddler and my medical appointments my husband and I had been like ships passing in the night. When he arrived at the hospital it was the first alone time we’d had together since February (this was the end of July). We waited nearly 12 hours, snuggled up in my hospital bed shifting between talking about the what ifs and watching mindless Netflix comedies. The doctors and nurses kept telling us to get some sleep but our minds were buzzing. When we finally dozed off close to 1:30AM, we were awakened by the doctor 15 minutes later telling us it was time. I was taken into the OR to be prepped for surgery and my husband was asked to gown up in the hall.
I remember the coldness of the room, the painfully bright lights and the sterile smell. It looked like it could have been one of Dexter’s kill rooms. It definitely isn’t designed to calm any nerves. Though the room was cold, the faces were warm. One in particular. Our family doctor just happened to be on call at the hospital that night and she assisted the OBGYN. The amount of comfort and the feeling of consistent care that her presence offered was a godsend.
Postpartum self portrait @kaitlinblackphotography
I was administered the anesthesia. It took effect almost immediately and I began feeling nauseous and I started dry heaving. My mask was only removed so that I could throw up in a small stainless steel dish held by one of the nurses in the room (COVID rules - everyone is to remain masked unless it’s absolutely necessary for the mother-to-be to remove hers, c-section or not). I remember being pricked and prodded and asked if I could feel this or that until I couldn’t.
At the same time out in the hall and unbeknownst to me, my husband was being told that once born, if there was anything wrong our baby would be immediately taken out of the room but if everything appeared to be okay the doctor would hold up the baby so that my husband could announce if we had a son or a daughter.
Once we were all assembled in the OR, the c-section began. Nothing could have prepared me for the amount of pressure I felt. Even though I was in an exhausted and drug-induced fog, I was in pain. I remember whimpering to my husband to make it stop. I looked up and saw his worried, sympathetic eyes. Of course there was nothing to do but wait.
At 2:16AM the room went quiet. I looked up at my husband and saw him burst into tears. No one said anything for what felt like an eternity. My mind went to the absolute worst case scenario: we’d lost our baby. After everything, we’d lost our baby. What my husband was experiencing was a massive wave of relief that our baby was ok. The room had gone quiet as the doctors and nurses patiently waited for my husband to announce that our beautiful baby had arrived safely earthside. Finally, in a broken and shaking voice, my husband announced to the room that we had a girl. Having her placed on my chest, her tiny heart beating quickly and her little chest moving up and down as her lungs filled with air was the feeling of relief I’d been hoping for with every ounce of my being for weeks.
While my pregnancy and everything leading up to the birth was stressful and anxiety-ridden, I was always grateful to have been able to feel confident I had an amazing team of professionals who were connected and working together to bring our sweet Ella into the world safely.
Honestly, my recovery was painful and we were without our village during the pandemic. My husband was working crazy hours and we had a toddler who also needed our love and attention in addition to our baby but I think that everything that lead up to the birth made it all much easier. We had 2 healthy, beautiful kids and take everything else as it came.
I am so grateful that Kaitlin shared her story with me, I am inspired by her courage and honesty during her pregnancy, birth and postpartum period. In the end, Kaitlin was able to find the positive despite the roller coaster ride. I hope that this inspires others who may be experiencing their less than ideal pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum period be it a pandemic or not.
Kaitlin Black is a freelance photographer in the greater GTA area in Ontario, Canada. Please check out her instagram account . She also provided the photos for this post.
